Of all the fallen empires, I like England the most.

Athens, Rome?  Kind of hot.

Mongolia?

Please.

It’s England.  I holidayed there a few years ago.  Alone, of course.

I wandered the streets of London, from pub to pub.  Eating jacket potatoes and taking in the culture.

Trying to totally do English chicks.

But when I struck out with them, I noticed something.

They were speaking some jacked-up language.

Slang terms, everything was slang.

Look, I like English people, I just wish they spoke more English.

Recently, I made a new friend.  His name is David Schneider.  He is a British comedian and actor.

He’s joined me today to explain some bits of English slang.

You can follow David Schneider on Twitter here.

Here’s David Schneider explaining five terms in English slang everyone needs to know.

1.  Arse-over-tits

David: This is used to refer to someone who falls over: “That 90 year old woman fell arse-over-tits, shattering her hip in 16 places and lacerating her face, arms and legs. It was funny”.

You cannot deliberately go arse-over-tits, as in “The Russian gymnast did a double-piked somersault followed by a triple arse-over-tits”, though it can be used of men as well, especially fat lads with moobs.

Me: I’ve had many arse-over-tits experiences.  Like the time I went to the club and the song “Barbie Girl” by Aqua came on.  I went to dance next to this super hot chick and then slipped on glass.  My arse was like so totally over my tits right there?  It was crazy.  Despite that, I ended up doing her.

Do you believe that, Schneider?

Lie to me and tell me you believe that.

2. Bob’s Your Uncle.

David: A sort of magical revelation, the equivalent of the French “Voila!”.  As in: “Just stay in your armchair, eat lots of burgers and take lots of drugs and – Bob’s Your Uncle! – you’re a fat Elvis!”

It’s not so successful in sentences like “Your father just explained that that man Robert was his brother and – Bob’s Your Uncle! – Bob’s your uncle”.

Me: We should use this more in North America.  But due to political correctness we’d have to say “Bob’s your Uncle and/or Aunt”.  Because Bob could be both due to the advent of new surgical procedures.

God!  Bob’s such a douche.

3. Slapper.

David: A slapper is a promiscuous woman.  As in “Truth be told, Mother Theresa was a right slapper” – “right” in this case meaning “really significant” rather than she would only sleep (around) on the right side of the bed.

You can also call someone a “slag”, “sket” or “Lindsay Lohan”.

The male equivalent of a slapper is something like “stud” as in “Well done, you’ve slept around, I admire you, you stud”.

Me: I like “slapper” better than “slut” or “whore”.  But I think I speak for all guys when I say, where can we find said individuals?

4.  Up the Duff.

David: The medical term for “pregnant”, as in “Congratulations, Your Majesty, you’re up the duff”.  Of course the Queen is well into the menopause now so she can’t get “banged up” or “have a bun in the oven”.

Nor will you hear anyone saying “Her Majesty is on the blob at the moment”, referring to Her Royal Period.

Though she was so loved in her younger days that, when she menstruated, every woman in the country shared her cycle.

Me: On the blob!

Ha.

That’s so hilariously gross and disgusting that I can feel dozens of my female readers quivering with nausea.

Just know that this term is in Schneider’s lexicon and I would never use a term like that.

And if you don’t believe, you’re probably on the blob.

5. Bollocks!

David: The male testicles (as in “The pope kicked me in the bollocks”), but also an expression of dismissive contempt. (“N’sync made the best music of the 20thcentury” – “Bollocks!”).

However “the dog’s bollocks!” actually means “brilliant” (as does “the bee’s knees!”, which, scientists have discovered, are actually made of dogs bollocks).

For instance: “The cat’s testicles I ate in China were the dog’s bollocks!”

Me: Check this out, Schneider.  I can make everyone reading this say “bollocks” in their mind.  Watch.

Tremendous News is the most important blog on the Internet.

…

See?

They said it.

–

There you have it.  I want to thank David Schneider for helping explain British slang.

Stay tuned, and we’ll have 5 more terms for you soon.

You’ll go arse-over-tits reading it.

-

You can follow TremendousNews on Twitter here.

(With thanks for help to @MandyPandy32)